in the words of that frosted-tip-haired little gayboy from that one
band: it's gonner b may. or rather, it is. it is may. what month through
yonder window breaks? it is May, and Juliet's.. not born in May idk soz.
it's flamen well May 2026 and i've not posted to this blog since 2025. i
beg your fucking pardon??? that's mental. where's the time gone?! i hate
starting every blogpost with "ohh sorry it's been so long" but it always
HAS been so long and i AM actually sorry, so reallyyyyy you should stick
that in your little pipe and smoke it to fuuuuck.
i'm currently sat at work writing this blog post because, let's be
honest, it's where i write almost all of em. i am eternally workshy,
THANK YOU. also my boss isn't in at the moment and i seem to have less
and less work to do daily because of more automation and developments to
our bespoke software. i'd worry about being made redundant but i'm the
sole in-house IT person so they need me for when shit breaks our end
(which it likes to do (by which i mean: people love to break their
machines)). so in that regard i know they need me around basically for
as long as computers continue to exist - something i hope and pray will
not be the case, of course. find me an IT professional who DOESN'T on
some level despise and distrust computers and i'll show you someone who
hasn't been in the industry long enough ❤️
me pals were joking about just now in our discord server saying i should
write, or should have a substack. which is very funny conceptually, but
i fear i am quite abysmal at long-form prose of any kind. i can't even
talk for too long without just sort of fizzling out. if you ever see me
in a social setting getting annoyed that i was interrupted or haven't
been able to get a word in, that is because i am a FOOL who forgets that
every single fucking time i am allowed to talk without interruption i
lose steam and just sort of trail off making less and less sense, like
your grandmother just started sundowning or something.
but, i bring up this throwaway remark by my little cronies as it is the
thing that reminded me: hey, i have a blog actually and can post to it
and everything. i even rigged a little script to make it easier to post
here! and then just didn't do it!! what's up with that, huh? what's
going on there?
truthfully, i fear i have nothing to say today. has much happened
between my last post and now? not particularly. nothing i want to shout
to the world, anyway. so instead, let me tell you two boring stories.
story number one: i drove past Kim Kitsuragi today. that bloke off Disco
Leesyum or whatevah. it wasn't actually him but it was a bloke who
bloody well looked enough like him that i did a double-take. and i've
not even played that game, i just know our Kim because people talk about
him on tumblr dot com like he's a family friend.
story number two: d'you ever find yourself wanting to grab a can opener,
one of them old fashioned dealios where you stab the fucking can like a
barbarian, and use it to crack open someone's skull so you can scoop out
their wet wet brain from its fetid little enclosure and scream and
scream and scream at it until flecks of blood are spraying out of your
mouth?
i found myself in one such situation this very Tuesday, if you can Adam
and Eve it. the cause, dear eader, was someone at work being annoying
about their computer. Many such cases!
my boss asked me to look at her computer because our deeply evil and oft
buggy Accounting software wasn't working. if i had a quid for every time
this happened with this software i'd be, like, wealthier a bit probably.
and see before i even stepped in her office i hit her with the ol' IT
Crowd special: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" (side note:
i hope that Graham Linehan is kept up at night by the energy put into
the world of a trans woman quoting his telly program.)
my boss, in a tone i would describe as Annoyed, said YES, i've already
TRIED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay well thats fine sure okay. i have to ask
coz people.. don't try that. despite me saying it every time and it
working 99% of the time. but good for you, you turned it off and on
again. that's a big deal for her, mind; she is unorganised and does even
less work than i do (despite the mountains of work she has to be working
through), and as a result she always has roughly 3 unsaved Excel
Spreadsheets open at any one time and 20 emails open in individual
pop-out Outlook windows that she's "working on" (she's not). i can never
ever reboot her PC as she doesn't want to lose her 20 opened emails in
amongst all the other unread, unopened, unflagged and uncategorised
emails in her inbox.
curiously, despite her telling me she had JUST restarted her machine,
all of her 1 billion open emails were still open. not entirely shocking,
Microsoft Outlook will occasionally ask the user "hey, wanna open all
them items you had open last time?" the issue is it sort of does that on
its own terms. sometimes it doesn't ask, sometimes it doesn't open all
the items, sometimes on a full moon it instead asks for a blood tithe.
standard microslop software performance, we've all been there.
in spite of this feature, i just had a hunch. she's not fucking
restarted this. she's not rebooted. a quick check of system logs and
uptime confirm: this machine has not been shut down for over 35 days.
that's over a month ago! you've already guessed the rest of the tale, no
doubt: yes, i rebooted it and yes, that fixed it. but the question
remains: Why lie? and WHY get so irate about me asking if you've
rebooted your machine when you haven't and are lying to me about it?
hitting me with an intonation that screams "of fucking COURSE i've tried
rebooting my machine you nasty little fucking troglodyte. how DARE you
insinuate otherwise" WELL GUESS WHAT, MIMI. the logs! the logs expose
you! call me the log lady off Twin Peaks the way i spoke to the logs and
they revealed unto me that you are a LIARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
so naturally i got a can opener and scooped her brain out. only course
of action really.
so here we are. the end of another blogpost. we laughed. we cried. we
got scared. we were made to feel oh so sexy... and one of you pissed a
little bit. i saw you dont try to hide it. this is a safe space. i
guess. unless i'm wielding a can opener.
anyway that's the blog done.
fuk ov xxxxxxxx